A Consciousness Wonders

I wonder a lot. I guess you can say that I am wonder-full.

I want to write, just to write: I find it enjoyable, and I know in my heart of hearts that it will be a long road ahead before I can make something out of it. It’s going to be quite a journey, and I am feeling the pressure: I got no money. I am a poor aspiring writer. But, that just comes with the territory, I suppose.

I’ve been waging a self-defeating war against work–it seems. I mean, I’ve been working–I an not broken or anything–but I don’t have a paying job at the moment, that’s what I mean. There are options, and I haven’t decided on the right one yet. But, soon I will have to.

I’ve come to realize that the world is good at making you focus your attention on what you lack. It is constantly reminding me about money.  I try to ignore it, because money is not that important to me. I mean, money is nice, and I like it, but there are things which are more valuable to me, that I want to do while I am here, alive, because tomorrow is not guaranteed, and I have a calm understanding that things will work out just fine for me, no matter the number of dollar signs in my account.

But, money does help in making the journey much more smoother, and secure, and it does buy time, but it also takes time–I am trying to reason with myself here.

What matters is time, and I haven’t fully accepted the credo: “Time is Money,” which many, if not the majority, have decided to accept as true. Though, I do see a point, it’s not a strong enough one for me.

I find that spending time reading and seeking knowledge is more rewarding. But, that won’t put the food on the table anytime soon–I am yet again, reminded.

I mean, I don’t even have credentials in writing, yet. Those will come with time. Right now I should really begin to look for other ways to make money; maybe find a job–I mean, I can, I have options, but it’s me being indecisive, not ready to fully commit, perhaps.

I need good guidance, who will guide me?–when you spend too many solitary thinking hours, this is what begins to occur, be forewarned.

My background is in Mathematics, I earned my Masters in 2015 (almost two years ago). I’ve worked in education since college, and briefly after I graduated. I was an adjunct instructor at a local community college in a nearby city. Teaching was a learning experience. I’ve not taught since May 2016, and I’ve been thinking, that’s an option, for the time being–decision, decision, time is passing me by.

I was really into math during college but then my interest shifted to philosophy; this was towards the end of the grad program.

I dabbled in philosophy before grad school, but  especially during my final year as a grad student, only to find out once more–with more certitude–as the great Plato said, “I know that I know nothing.” I am very humbled.

I learned a lot of things, and at the end, my mind exploded.

It may be that I’ve short circuited, maybe.

Since I’ve been reading philosophy I’ve learned how vastly complicated we are, and I gained a better understanding of what makes us different. I also realized that we don’t have a clue where we are headed, ever, we just believe. This is why believe in self is important.

One of my great teachers said, “every belief is a belief that falls short; one never wholly believes what one believes.” and I think that a neat truth. It’s part of being human, and it’s part of the growth we must undergo. This is why knowledge is power, not money.

–You know, at times it feels as if I’ve been given a wrench and a screwdriver and have been asked to build a car; I am trying. That’s all we can do.

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