I Am a Sinner in Sin City

I am a sinner in sin city.

I fell from grace a long time ago. To be exact, I fell from grace the moment I inhaled my first breath. This world is corrupting, and I have a lot of atoning to do. I am no saint, and don’t pretend to be, but I try to be good, and lately it feels as if I’ve been failing in that respect. I am just being true.

I am going to be frank some more: I’ve never felt as misunderstood as I’ve felt these past several months. I have trust issues, and I am full of doubts. I think too much, and don’t do enough. I am stuck in a peculiar existence, and it has shifted my perspective. I am learning a lot about myself, and the mess of a world that I live in. I am young, yet feel old. I am strong, yet feel weak. I pursue knowledge, yet I know that I cannot know anything with enough certainty. I am alive, yet have not been living. I love, but have not been loving. I am social, yet have not been socializing. I live in a house, yet it doesn’t feel like home. I am aware, yet unwilling to do more.

Things will get better.

I am optimistic about the future, but uncertainty is always there. We exist in a very uncertain world and tomorrow we may die.

What is my why?

Courage is needed.

I am swimming against the tides. I fear I may drown…

Courage is needed.

I am feeling anxious. More and more lately. It feels like two gaping black holes have spontaneously formed within me, in my chest and stomach, increasing in size with the passing of time, trying to pull me into oblivion. It feels quite uneasy, and I know that it’s just my subjectivity being too in tune with the ultimate meaninglessness of it all, too in tune with our ultimate demise, too in tune with the passing of time, too in tune with the evils which are abound in this world, too in tune with it’s contingency, drowning in uncertainty. It’s been crippling me slowly, and I must summon the courage to move forward.

I look deep within.

We will prevail.

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