“my life was lived through falling rain
so call on me if there be pain”
― Tupac Shakur,
I have spent a lot of my recent days wondering, “why life?” I concluded: life because though suffering may be an inescapable part of it, there is nothing else like it–that we know of. Life is tough. And when familial love is lacking in life, it can be even tougher “to life.” I ask myself, “what have I done to deserve this?” The truth is, I’ve done nothing. We have no choice over the family that we are born into, and many other things growing up. We can’t choose our father, mother, or siblings, and no one asks to be born.
I don’t have much family here in the US, except for a couple of aunts, uncles, and several cousins, a sister, and a brother, all which are younger than me. My mother and I separated when I was around 12 years old, during which time I lived with my aunt, my mom’s sister, for a number of years–from middle school until I turned 18. Then, for about four more years after that, while I went to college. She has helped me greatly, and I am thankful, to her and my uncle, for that. But those years which I lived with her were the most miserable of my life. She was cold towards me. She was critical of me. I always doubted that my aunt loved me. I never felt loved by her. I always felt like a burden to her, and she reassured those feelings by always talking down on my mother when she had a chance–something she continues to do ’til this day. She has never spoken a kind word of my mother, ever. To be honest, I think she resents me, and my mother for asking her to take me in perhaps, and I don’t know why she resents me. I hold no resentment towards her though. It just sucks to know that you can’t even turn to your only family for help in times of need–I thought family was everything. But that’s just how it goes sometimes, nothing we can do about that. We can’t change those that don’t want to change, and we can’t force anyone that is not willing to help us to helps us.
Despite a broken family, we must learn to be thankful for the life we’ve been given. Our trials and tribulations may not be unique, but they are unique to us. I wonder about others that have undergone similar circumstances as me, and I like to imagine that their resiliency has helped them reached their goals.
You want to know something else? You may relate: lately I’d rather sleep than to wake up to the nothingness which my life has seemed to become. It’s true. When I sleep I can at least dream, and those dreams bring me some repose from this mundane existence.
As of late I’ve been feeling more empty. Emptiness to me feels like boredom mixed with discontent and lack of motivation. It’s a feeling which I find irritating and hard to shake off. This feeling of emptiness is so peculiar, and new to me. It’s something which I’ve never experienced before, it’s so strange and abnormal to me, and I am analyzing it, trying to rid it. This is a learning experience, an opportunity for growth—at least that’s what I take it as.
I am not depressed, just discontent with my current circumstances and recent past events. I feel restless. So much of what is happening around me seems to be out my control.
If you have felt empty, or are feeling empty, know that you are not alone in feeling the way you do. I tell you, I’ve reached new lows these past months, lows I didn’t know I could feel, but there have also been highs. There have been a lot of good times shared with people I hold dear, and one must not forget the good times. How easy it is to dwell on the negative, as if the mind enjoyed the self-inflicting pain (this may be where genetics and biology come into play). In these past months I have lost almost everything which I had held dear. One of the most painful things that I’ve lost was my dog Pinky, he was my best friend. This really hurt me. I loved that dog so much, and still do. The joy he brought me was immense. The countless days we would spend at the dog park were the happiest of my short life. I used to picture us growing old together, and how great that would be. I am now remembering the time we went to the Grand Canyon together, he was a trooper, true companion. I am also remembering the week we spent in New Mexico together–the time I left on a whim to Santa Fe–sleeping in the car, yet happy together we were. I could not see my life without him, but look at my life now, without him. I had to give Pinky away, he deserved a better home than the one I could provide him. But you know, that wasn’t the first time I had to leave something which I loved behind, and come to think about it now, I suppose that a big part of your success in life has to do with how well you handle losing something you love.
“What’s the point of it all?” No point at all, it is what it is. Life has its share of ups, and its share of downs. All suffering is unnecessary suffering, yet those that undergo it, once they overcome it, gain a greater appreciation for life, they become stronger–if they don’t succumb to their feelings. A lot of what we accomplish in our brief existence comes down to how we feel about ourselves, and how we interpret those feelings. It helps to remember that like pleasant feelings, unpleasant feelings don’t last forever. You are worthy of feeling good. You will be back to normal, it just takes strength, metal fortitude, and some time.
I leave you all with this beautiful poem:
“Did you hear about the rose that grew from a crack in the concrete? Proving nature’s laws wrong, it learned to walk without having feet. Funny it seems, but by keeping its dreams, it learned to breathe fresh air. Long live the rose that grew from concrete when no one else even cared.” ― Tupac Shakur,